Middle Earth Chaos
by viper676
Summary: LotR-YW-HP Crossover. Due to a fault in their transport spell, Nita, Kit, and Dairine are sent to Middle Earth. Mass chaos abounds from there as they meet up with the LotR cast of characters and some others. Read, review, and have a great read!
1. Transports Gone Wrong

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Chapter One

Transports Gone Wrong

Sunlight filtered through the trees, bathing the ground below in wavering pools of golden light. A wide, deep river flowed by, teeming with fish, sparkling as it rushed heedlessly on its journey through to the sea. Sparrows, robins, and swallows alike sang joyously in the huge pines swaying to the unknown rhythm of the wind's gusts.

In the midst of all this serenity, a war waged.

A small one, at that, but still a war.

"Kit?"

"What?"

"How the _hell_ did we end up _here_?"

Nita Callahan faced her longtime wizardry partner, Kit Rodriguez, her hands on her hips, glaring accusingly at Kit. Kit just tried to look inconspicuous and dream up a good excuse for the question. Very, very hard to do when your best friend and your best friend's fourteen-year-old sister are both watching you with narrowed eyes.

"I _meant _to transport here…" he muttered sullenly.

This was returned by a roll of Dairine's eyes and "This sure don't look like Los Angeles…"

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Guys, Nita thought, mentally shaking her head. _They just don't admit they're wrong._

Her thoughts were interrupted by a _wham_ of displaced air, and, without warning, three teens her own age were looking around the clearing in various states of confusion.

One of them, a tall, gangly boy with a mop of red hair and freckles, turned on the only girl in their group with what appeared to be utter disbelief.

"Where the heck are we, Hermione?"

Nita blinked. Kit and Dairine merely looked a bit skeptical.

The bushy-haired girl in question buried her face in her hands and sat down, shaking weakly, on a nearby log. "Oh, good lord," she muttered thickly. "This wasn't supposed to happen…"

The other member of the trio, a dark-haired boy with sparkling green eyes and round, wire-rimmed glasses, merely looked incredulous and leaned up against a tree to steady himself.

Looking around, the red haired boy's eyes landed on the three Manhattan wizards, taking them in slowly. His eyes seemed to linger on Dairine, who flushed slightly, before turning to the other male in their group and muttering something.

Both the black-haired boy and the disconsolate witch on the log looked up at them, and the boy managed a weak smile.

"Um… hi… would you mind telling us where the heck we are?" he asked politely, though with a hint of panic in his voice.

Three pairs of eyes stared blankly back at him.

Dairine was the first to speak, breaking the silence with the eloquent question "Who… the _hell_… are you?"

Nita rammed her foot down on her younger sister's Nikes. Hard. Dairine yelped and gave Nita a look that would have thrown flames, but quieted down.

She spoke for the other two behind her. "Um… sorry-" she tried a different tactic. "-I'm on errantry… and I… greet… you?"

Blank stares from all around.

"Um… okay. Who are you?" she inquired sheepishly.

"Ron…ald…Weasley," the red-haired boy said quickly, looking pointedly at Dairine. "Call me Ron."

"Hermione Granger."

"Harry Potter."

Which left Nita, Kit, and Dairine all staring at the three British 'wizards', the exact same thought running through all of their heads: _Who are these guys… escapees from the local psychiatric ward…?_

Dairine opened her mouth, and Kit and Nita both flinched.

"Prove it," Dairine blurted out.

The last thing Dairine consciously saw were three wands aimed at her face.

Nita stared at her younger sister, who was currently lying on the ground, out cold.

There was absolutely no doubting that these people, scary as they might seem, were exactly who they said they were… even if they were fresh off the pages of a highly popular book series.

Hermione flicked her wand lazily at the unconscious form of Dairine. _"Ennervate_._"_

Dairine staggered unsteadily to her feet before retreating behind Nita, looking at the British wizards with considerably more respect.

"Nita Callahan."

"Kit Rodriguez."

"Dairine Callahan."

Handshakes all around, and Nita held back a snicker as Ron and Dairine seemed to prolong the handshake. Perhaps _that_ was a bit of her overactive imagination, but there was no doubting that Dairine was considerably pink in the face after the handshake.

Without warning, a very, very tall, very, very blond figure appeared in their midst, and all three girls instantly froze in their tracks to stare up at this intruder.

Nita and Hermione seemed to be going into shock.

"Le-le-lego…"

Dairine stared incredulously, debating whether to run up and hug the tall, blond Elf bowman, or to simply scoff and turn her back.

She chose neither.

"LEGOLAS!" she squealed, and, before the beleaguered archer could react, she hit him in a flying tackle. Nita and Hermione immediately followed suit, fighting brutally over who got to place an arm around the trapped Elf.

Ron, Harry, and Kit turned their backs on the gruesome sight and grinned at each other hesitantly.

"So…" Ron started. "Where are we?"

Over the squeals, slaps, and anguished yells from behind them, Kit shrugged. "You'll have to ask someone else," he veritably shouted over the ever-increasing noise. "I have no idea."

Dairine marched up, literally choking Legolas in her form of an arm draped around a neck. "Middle-earth, obviously," she said, sounding very pleased with herself. "And you couldn't have picked a better place to transit to. Legolas here agre-"

She was cut off by two very anguished screams from behind her as Nita and Hermione sailed through the air at her, hitting her and rolling past, raising a cloud of dust as they did so.

"What…? LEGOLAS!"

A short, homely-looking hobbit rushed into the clearing and attempted to wrest the doomed elf from Nita's vicelike grip, but was quickly discouraged as all three infuriated girls turned upon him, hissing and spitting menacingly.

The poor, horribly unnerved hobbit beat a hasty retreat back to where the three boys stood, and stared disconsolately up at them.

"Um… good afternoon? My name is Sam… Gamgee… who might you three be?"

"Ron Weasley."

"Harry Potter."

"Kit Rodriguez."

Sam blinked. "Very nice to meet you all… MISTER FRODO! NOOOOOO…"

Sam made a frantic dive for a tiny, barefoot little manlike thing (by Ron's definition), who was desperately trying to rescue Legolas from the fray of the battle, despite the apoplectic snarls from Nita, Dairine, and Hermione. All four were now participating in a hearty game of Rip-the-Legolas-Apart.

"Wow," Harry muttered, watching as Legolas's body contorted into a variety of none-too-comfortable-looking shapes. "I had no idea the human body was capable of _that_…"

Kit, Ron, and Harry watched in pure shock as Sam slowly dragged Frodo away from the scene of mass chaos. Despite both facts that Frodo was bigger than he was, and that the agonized hobbit kept clutching at the dirt with his fingers, desperately trying to go back and rescue Legolas, Sam managed to drop Frodo at the feet of the three boys.

"Mister Frodo, these are Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, and Kit Rodriguez."

Frodo, throwing one last glance over his shoulder at the tussling girls, shook the boys' hands. "Frodo Baggins." He eyed them suspiciously. "Who is your master?"

Kit stared down at him, a frown on his face as his mind worked furiously.

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Oh why, why, WHY the hell didn't I read The Fellowship of the Ring straight through? WHY did I have to skip around…?

"Um… we have no master… besides… ourselves?" he ventured.

Frodo nodded sagely. "That shall do."

A new voice broke in. "What in the _name _of Arwen is going on he-"

"ARAGORN!"

The Ranger screamed as he caught the horrible sight of Nita, a crazed look in her eyes, sailing through the air toward him.

__

Thump.

Kit couldn't help but feel slightly jealous for Aragorn as Nita hauled him upright, a faint blush in her cheeks as she dragged him, choking and gasping for air, over to the small circle of men.

Okay, maybe not so jealous.

__

But still, he thought sourly, _it wouldn't hurt to be dragged around by the girl of your dreams…_

But Aragorn was clearly not enjoying himself.

"What is this treatment towards a King?" he rasped, clutching at his throat.

Nita hugged him closer. "Shhhh, Aragorn," she murmured. "There, there, you're all mine…"

A look of distinct terror came over Aragorn's face as he struggled to free himself from Nita's grip, failing miserably.

It was going to be a long, long day.

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Half an hour later

Covered with bruises, Legolas limped over to where the small circle of people stood and collapsed in a heap. Hermione, one eye blackening slowly, finished up repairing the damage to Dairine, then started on her own face as she kindly patted Legolas on the head, having claimed him for her own.

Muttering Elven curses, Legolas pushed himself up and sat, cross-legged, as Hermione healed the minor injuries and bruises he had sustained during the catfight.

Pippen Took and Merry Brandybuck now made the small party number ten in all as they sat in a small circle, discussing various topics of interest.

Dairine and Ron, for some reason, kept glancing up at each other and blushing, much to the disapproval of Hermione and Harry, both having had their eye on, respectively, Ron and Dairine for some time now.

Apparently, Dairine strongly reminded Harry of a certain other redhead from his life.

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Some guys get all the luck, Kit mused to himself. Glancing over at Legolas, who was currently bravely withstanding a shower of affection from Hermione, he stifled a laugh. _Not him._

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A/N: Five reviews would be greatly appreciated. Even if you're not signed up or in, just take a moment… it could be 'Yo' for all I care… just, please, review! Thanks! And, please, please let me know any characters I should bring into the story. GOLLUM comes next… REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!


	2. Rum Arguments

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Chapter Two

A Rum Argument

Legolas had had enough.

Edging away from Hermione, he managed to get halfway to Merry's pony before she tackled him, cooing, "Ah-ah-ah, Legolas… you're staying with _me_."

Legolas launched into a small temper tantrum, digging his fingers into the ground and desperately clawing toward the saddlebags, where he knew there was a bottle of rum stored. No matter how hard he kicked and screamed, the blasted girl refused to relinquish the hold she had on his ankles.

Curses.

Harry watched in mild amusement as Legolas kicked Hermione off and scrabbled on all fours toward the pony, making strange noises and generally looking for all the world like a deranged cow.

"I don't think he likes Hermione," he muttered to Ron, who nodded sagely in agreement.

Ripping open the saddlebag, Legolas stuffed his face into the worn interior of the large pocket, and screamed in agony.

"_WHY IS THE RUM GONE?_"

His question to the heavens was answered by a loud hiccup from the edge of the clearing, and a sharp, nasal voice belting out something rather… disturbing.

"My preshioush… tshey have shtolen my pre…preshioush… ssssshhhhhh…nashty hobbitshesh… shlice dem and dishe dem… "

Frodo looked to Sam, who in turn looked to Merry, who in turn looked to Pippin, who just so happened to be fast asleep.

"Merry," Frodo whispered, "Remember that bet we had on never seeing Smeagol again?"

Merry nodded.

"Fork it over, Merry."

Gollum seemed to have heard that.

"WHAT'SH THAT? HOBBITSHES? GOLLUM HEARSH NASHTY HOBBITSHESH! SHALL…KILL…HOBBITSHES!"

With a tipsy scream of outrage, Gollum weaved and stumbled his way towards the small circle of people, clutching a pocketknife in his shriveled little hand.

The same small circle of people watched him blunder by and begin whacking a nearby tree with the handle of the shut knife.

"Nashty hobbitshesh… shervesh you right for shtealing Gollum'sh preshioush…"

Harry was torn between clubbing the little thing into unconsciousness or capturing him and giving him to Draco as a token of hatred.

He was just on the verge of conjuring up a large net when a blur of glass and paper whizzed by his head and smashed to pieces on the back of Gollum's thick, bony head.

Gollum grinned stupidly, muttering, "Oooooh… shtarshiesh are pretty," and collapsed, beginning to blissfully chase ring-bearing goblins through the mines of Mordor as he blacked out.

This was quickly followed by a very, very angry Legolas, who, in his calmest voice, proceeded to happily scream obscenities at the unconscious little raisin-like man. Again, by Ron's definition.

Frodo, Sam, and Hermione all leapt to their feet in an attempt to restrain the enraged Legolas. Unfortunately, before they could reach him and pin him down properly, a certain someone muttered a certain something, aiming their wand at the very, very tall, very, very blond figure making its way toward Gollum.

Legolas was unconscious before he hit the ground.

Hermione froze, then screamed. "LEGOLAS!"

So did Nita and Dairine.

All three girls sprinted toward the fallen Elf in what looked to be the makings of another promising catfight and game of Rip-Legolas-Limb-from-Limb.

Ron, his wand still out, muttered "_Zea Mays Mays," _and, instantaneously, a large bag of hot, buttered popcorn appeared in his arms, and he settled back to watch the match.

Kit, however, had other ideas.

"LOOK," he bellowed. "ORLANDO BLOOM!"

All three girls froze in their tracks, about to converge on the giddily snoring Elf, and wheeled around.

"THERE HE GOES, INTO THE FOREST! GET HIM!"

With squeals of delight, and a few exchanged slaps and shoves, the girls hurtled into the forest and were lost to sight.

Ron looked disappointed and tossed a few pieces of popcorn into his mouth. Through a mouthful of the crunchy goodness, he said in a muffled voice, "Fo. Nah what? I mean…"

Without warning, Ron sneezed.

Kit, Harry, Frodo, Pippen, and Sam were instantly hit with a nice, wet explosion of half-digested popcorn bits as they sprayed from Ron's mouth at close to 80 miles an hour.

The hobbits (sans Frodo) and Kit screamed and clawed violently at the small amorphous patch of soggy yellow that clung determinedly to their faces.

Frodo, on the other hand, had been trying the Ring on again. Harry, squinting, could make out his face and part of his clothing, courtesy of the soggy popcorn shards that enveloped his face.

Harry looked disgusted and wondered why on earth glasses didn't have wipers as he used his wand to cleanse the popcorn splatters from his face, robes, and glasses.

Wearing an embarrassed look on his face, Ron sniffed and muttered an apology as Kit, followed closely by the Hobbits, made a mad dash for the river, trying desperately not to vomit.

Harry looked nauseously at Ron. "Did you have to do that?" he inquired over the loud splash from behind them.

Ron tried his best to look innocent and thank the fates that it wasn't Hermione in the river behind him. Were it, she'd never let him live it down.

Frodo wiped the popcorn from his face and followed Kit toward the river, muttering about wizards and magical food from nowhere.

Legolas snored on, oblivious to the fact that popcorn kernels had infested his wonderfully blond hair.

Thank God.

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A/N: I dunno whether this was funny or not… I need a bit of feedback, folks. Next chapter, Kit's gonna try and get them all out of the cursed Middle Earth. Do they:

End up in the heart of New York? End up in the British Countryside? End up at Hogwarts? 

You choose. I need feedback on this, because the next chapter (and how soon it is created) depends on it. 5 more reviews!

Thanks.


	3. Attack of the Students

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Review Replies:

TheIncredibleOne: -grovels on ground- Yes, oh Great One, Ruler of All Thy Survey. This humble author thanks you for thy permission to continue existing and writing. Hope you enjoy this chappie.

Jubills543: Thanks.

Fireblade K'Chona: Thanks for the review. And the idea, of course!

Ashgrl: Thanks for the review. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

VampireNextDoor: Thanks for the review. I promise, Manhattan will come next. And it will involve a UPS truck, a USPS truck, and, of course, a hot dog stand.

KuteVirgo: lol, I'm a boy, so… I probably wouldn't.

Teky1389: Hope you enjoy this.

Did you Know: It's impossible to lick your elbow. Unless, of course, you're Gumby. Then anything is possible.

Chapter Three

Attack of the Students

The sun peered over the horizon, casting rays of light through the trees and down on the slumbering camp below.

Well… nearly slumbering.

Legolas was not having a very good day so far. He had awoken from a nightmare of being trapped in a dungeon filled with hundreds of rabid fangirls and instinctively run a hand through his blonde hair. It all went downhill for him from there.

Even now picking fragments of the previous evening's popcorn explosion from his hair, Legolas glared scathingly at the peacefully snoring Pippin, the only one of his acquaintances who had readily taken to these strange newcomers' ways. The Wood Elf was prepared to give his bow _and_ another bottle of rum on the fact that Pippen was the guilty perpetrator.

Oh, yes… the rum.

Gollum had pleaded innocent to drinking the rum, claiming that he was only in the camp to 'recover precious… nasty hobbitses has stolen…'.

Legolas, disgusted, had quickly tossed him into the nearest tree.

Well, actually, _through_ the nearest tree and into another, as the roughly Gollum-shaped hole in the elm's branches showed.

Legolas froze at the sound of a voice behind him. _Fangirl,_ he thought. _Foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid fangirl…_

"Legolas?"

The archer relaxed. No, only Christopher.

"Good morning, Christopher. Did you sleep well?"

Kit winced at the mention of his birth name. Why, in the name of the Fates, had he told Legolas his real name?

Come to think of it, Kit didn't think he had even told him.

"How do you know my name?" Kit inquired suspiciously, patting the back pocket of his jeans as if to make sure his wallet and precious Driver's Permit were still there. They were.

Legolas shrugged. "It is an Elven Gift," he said simply.

"What, mind reading?"

"In a way."

That seemed to satisfy Kit.

"All right… well, we're gonna get out of here as soon as everyone get up…"

Legolas tried not to look too thrilled. "And never coming back?"

"No. We're not coming back."

It took Legolas even more effort not to do a little celebratory dance right then and there.

On the exterior, though, he maintained a straight face and tried to look melancholy.

"May the blessings of the race of Elves go with you, then." _And may you also fall into a pit of fire._

Kit stared. "Um… okay. Thanks."

Nita moaned something in her sleep, then sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Upon spotting Legolas, she remembered where, exactly, she was, and resumed drooling at the unfortunate elf.

Legolas squeezed his eyes shut. _Try not to flee, try not to flee, try not to flee…_

Unfortunately, his mantra didn't help much as Hermione sat up, yawned, and lunged at him.

Legolas shrieked in horror and scrabbled off on all fours, literally flying up a nearby tree to hang precariously from one of its upper branches.

Hermione drew her wand.

Legolas merely swore and leapt for another, higher, branch. He realized that it was going to be very, very hard to lose Hermione.

Time for escape tactic A.

Legolas took a flying leap toward another large Ponderosa Pine, no more than five feet away. Unfortunately, Hermione seemed to have been expecting this sort of thing, and, instead of ramming facefirst into the land of Splinters, Legolas watched in horror as the tree shifted position.

And he was falling.

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Wham.

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Dairine watched as Hermione doggedly pursued Legolas, absentmindedly fiddling with the transport matrix in her hands as Legolas tore past once more.

"HEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP…"

Dairine merely rolled her eyes and resumed work, pausing every now and then to look up at Ron, who was watching Hermione with narrowed eyes.

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Hermione pulled Legolas over to the small circle of people, grinning widely.

She touched Harry's shoulder.

"Harry…"

That was all she had time for before she was suddenly standing in Hogwart's Great Hall, clutching an asphyxiating Legolas.

It wouldn't have been so bad if they had chosen a different entry time and point.

But as it was, every single student in the hall had their attention riveted on the sudden appearance of the seven newcomers.

Legolas stared in horror as thousands of girls' eyes suddenly glazed over at the sight of him.

This could not be good.

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Harry watched in barely suppressed amusement as Legolas hurtled past, closely followed by a veritable stampede of screaming, foaming-at-the-mouth rabid fangirls.

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Boy's bathroom, boy's bathroom… where the hell is the boy's bathroom? Legolas wondered in sheer panic as he ripped through the slick stone corridors of the castle, his leather sandals sliding on the stones underfoot as he turned a corner, only to be met with another set of girls.

Thankfully, they were looking the other way.

And he could see the boy's bathroom!

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Okay. You can do this. Carefully… slowly… slowly…

"THERE HE IS!"

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Curses.

Legolas came to a screeching halt as two hoards of slavering girls converged on him. He couldn't help but wonder how far up from the ground he was.

Escape plan B.

Up and over.

Legolas, lacking a better plan, hurled himself over the marble railing into empty space, aiming perfectly for the staircase some ten feet below.

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In the meantime, the remaining six perpetrators stood in the middle of Great Hall, being grilled by Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall.

"_How_ did you get them here, Mr. Rodriguez?" McGonagall asked for the second time. "You can't Apparate in or out of Hogwarts…"

"What the heck is Apparating? All I used was a simple transport matrix."

"But…"

"Enough, Minerva. They're here. That's that."

Dumbledore's words effectively silenced McGonagall, who sighed.

"Very well. You are here… I suppose you'll want to stay for a short time, then. As it appears you have already made friends with these three from Gryffindor, you'll be under my care."

Nita looked at Kit, who shrugged. "All right."

Hermione looked thrilled. "Here, we'll show you to the common room…" she murmured.

She whirled around and strode off toward the exit for Great Hall.

Dairine was plodding along, her head and guard down, when she suddenly went tumbling to the floor. She was back on her feet and staring into the silvery eyes of none other than Draco Malfoy.

Malfoy hid a smirk. "You'll want to watch where you're going, Muggle…"

The look on Dairine's face only made Malfoy laugh. "Awww, is the puny little runt gonna beat me up?"

A malicious grin spread across Dairine's features. "Oh, no. I can do _much_ worse than that."

Draco had no time to look apprehensive.

There was a loud _bang_, a rush of displaced air, and Malfoy was gone. Dairine smiled serenely, dusted her hands off, and made her way towards the entrance to Great Hall.

As she passed through the archway, she muttered a syllable, and Draco was suddenly present again, covered from head to toe in putrid brown slime and dressed in a very fetching pink blouse and matching skirt.

The Gryffindor table exploded in cheers.

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Legolas couldn't believe his luck. He had merely shattered both legs, his collarbone, three ribs, and fractured his skull after the whole ordeal. _And_ he was conscious.

Not to mention in considerable pain.

Why did the damn staircase have to move, anyway?

Legolas winced in pain as yet another owl dropped a get-well card onto his healing leg.

"Ow! Stupid bird…"

The owl seemed to regret this, as it instantly wheeled around and began attacking the unfortunate Elf.

"AAAAAAHHHH GET OUT OF IT! MY HAIR!"

With a loud screech of indignation, the large owl peacefully settled down onto the Elf's leg and began bobbing up and down.

"OW! OW! OW! GET OFF!"

Madam Pomfrey came hurrying over, shooing the owl off and retrieving the bottle of Qwik-Set from the medicine cabinet.

"There, there Mister Greenleaf. Here... bottoms up!"

Legolas choked on the horrid substance more than once, but managed to get most of it down.

Satisfied, Madam Pomfrey said kindly, "You've got some visitors that desperately want to see you. I'll let them in now."

Legolas, content, settled back in bed. _Probably Boromir or Aragorn come to rescue me from this madhouse…_

"THERE HE IS! _LEGOLAS!_"

Legolas screamed.

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	4. Life at Hogwarts

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Chapter Four

Life at Hogwarts

The fire in Gryffindor's Common Room hearth crackled merrily as Hermione droned on and on about the history of Hogwarts to Kit, Dairine, and Nita, all of whom were glancing around as if looking for an escape route from the lecture on the Founding Four.

"And, of course, Ravenclaw would have none of that, and she and the founders she deemed worthy of her partnership, Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, united against Slytherin. And so…"

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Oh, God, there's more? Kit thought in utter despair.

__

Make a break for it, Dairine suggested, her eyes flickering from Kit to Nita and back to Kit again.

__

On my count, she continued.

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Three…

Two…

One…

Hermione was rudely interrupted as her audience suddenly made a mad dash for the staircase to the boy's dormitory, apparently intent on fleeing from the incredibly boring lesson on Hogwart's history. All two thousand, nine hundred and forty-eight years of it.

With a sigh, she turned to Ron and Harry, who both cowered in their snug armchairs, with no way of escape.

"Am I really that bad?" she asked in an exasperated voice. "People never seem to want to hear what I have to say… and it's _important matters,_ too."

"I wonder why," Ron muttered.

Hermione, already in a very short temper and under a huge amount of stress because of the botched Apparation, snapped.

She whirled on him, snarling, "_What was that, Ronald Weasley?_"

Ron merely gulped.

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Elsewhere in Hogwarts

Dairine lay sprawled out on Kit's bed, reading her copy of _A Brief Introduction to Quantum Mechanics, The Time-Space Continuum, and Gamma Radiation,_ an insanely thick, incredibly boring-looking book, completely absorbed in it.

Nita rolled her eyes at her younger sister. "You and that Hermione would get along well together, you know that?"

Dairine, not taking her eyes off the book, scoffed. "Yeah, right. I'd probably die of boredom from listening to her little hour-long lectures before I could introduce myself properly."

Nita snorted. "Not to mention you're too smart for your own good."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dairine asked lazily, flicking her fiery hair out of her eyes.

Nita opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted as the door banged open, revealing a very battered-looking Harry and a semi-conscious Ron.

Kit gaped.

"What happened to _you_ two?"

Harry unceremoniously dumped Ron onto his respective bed and flopped down on Kit's, next to Dairine.

"Kit," he started. "Don't ever, _ever_, insult one of Hermione's lectures, unless you can run really, _really_ fast."

Kit nodded, not sure if he really wanted to hear the rest of the macabre tale, and looked around again as he heard someone stomping up the stairs.

"_Hermione,_" Harry hissed, panicking. "_Hide me._"

Kit was only too glad to do so. In conjunction with Nita, they grabbed his and quickly chucked him through the curtains shielding the underside of the bed from sight and under the bed. As an afterthought, they managed to grab Ron, and slid him under the bed to join Harry.

Unfortunately, there was a _thump_ that made them all wince, and Harry made a small noise of agony.

The dormitory doors banged open, and Hermione stormed in.

"_Where are they?_" she snarled, her eyes flashing dangerously.

Kit did his best to look innocent.

"Where are who?"

Nita plastered on a wholly fake smile and beamed up at the enraged girl.

"Who're you looking for, Hermione?"

"You know very well who I'm looking for, Kit, Nita. _Harry and Ron._ Now, where are they?"

Kit, sensing this was not a good time for jokes, quietly shielded.

Nita followed suit.

Dairine, on the other hand, was so immersed in her book, she had no idea what was going on around her.

Typical.

"Nope, sorry, haven't seen them," Kit said, beaming up a little too broadly at Hermione.

Hermione studied him suspiciously, then glowered.

"Why is there an arm sticking out from beneath the bed?"

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Oh shoot, Kit thought. _Think fast, Rodriguez._

"Um. Er, well, that's our… our pet Gila Monster!" he explained brightly.

Nita stared at him, horrified.

"Okay, if that's really a Gila Monster, then, you should be able to show me your license," Hermione told them.

"It's really my dad's… he lent it to us for the time being," Nita said quickly.

"I see. And how is it I didn't see it when we were in Middle-Earth?"

"We have a type of otherspace claudication," Kit explained. "Here, let me show you."

He muttered a syllable, and unzipped his otherspace pocket, revealing a small, dark space floating in midair.

"Want to take a look?"

"I'll do that, thanks."

Hermione paced over to the claudication and poked her head in.

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Reckon we can push her in? Kit asked, looking hopefully at Nita.

Nita just scowled at him and nervously watched as Hermione poked around in the claudication.

She emerged, looking triumphant.

"Where's its food? And its toys?"

"He's eaten all of his meat?" Nita inquired, trying her best to sound incredulous. "Kit, you gave him _all_ of the meat?"

Kit looked blank.

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Play along with me, stupid!

"Ooooohmmmmm… Yeah."

Nita looked eagerly back up at Hermione, trying not to sound as relieved as she felt. "See? And as for his toy, we made a replica of a human arm, knowing how much he prefers Homo Sapiens, and gave it to him."

Hermione looked dubious, but bent down and yanked on the arm.

Hard.

Beneath the bed, Harry let out an agonized hiss of pain and jerked his arm back into the safety of the bed, hoping Nita and Kit were doing all right out there. The fact that Ron's shoulder was lying over his right ear and his left was pressed solidly into the carpet didn't help his hearing much.

As it was, that probably saved his and Rons' life.

Hermione, startled, jerked backwards.

Kit, looking concerned, bent down.

"All right, Ha…"

He trailed off as Hermione looked at him triumphantly.

"…aaaaailey?" Kit finished quickly.

Hermione looked disappointed, but she quickly found another point of evidence against Kit.

"How is it your lizard's name is Hailey, when you kept referring to it as 'he'?" she inquired.

Nita thought fast. "We couldn't tell at its birth."

"Oh."

She, once again, looked disappointed.

Beneath the bed, Harry clutched his arm, biting his lip to keep from screaming out in agony. It was then that something crawled down the back of his shirt.

And Harry was positive it wasn't Neville's toad Trevor.

So, naturally, he rammed his back against the bottom of the bed, trying to smash whatever was now merrily skittering up and down his spine.

Hermione, Kit, and Nita stared at the shaking bed, more than slightly apprehensive as Dairine's form shuddered under the force of Harry as he desperately tried to crush the spider that skittered back up his spine.

"He suffers from… um… indigestion," Kit said weakly. "Very violent."

"Okay, then… I'll just go look for the boys, then… as they're apparently not in here…" Hermione said, beginning to fume once more, and stomped out of the dormitory, slamming the doors behind her.

Nita waited a few seconds to make sure she was gone, then turned to Kit.

"Gila Monsters?"

Kit looked at her defensively. "I didn't hear much from you. And, besides, what would it have been? A palomino?"

Nita flushed. Only Kit and Dairine knew how secretly crazy she was about horses.

"But, honestly, Kit… a Gila Monster…?"

Their pending argument was interrupted by Ron's woozy voice.

"Harry… that had better not be a spider on my forehead…"

Harry muttered something, and Ron screamed.

"SPIDER! GET IT OFF GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF…"

An improvement, Kit mused; his voice was definitely no longer woozy.

The bed shook again, and Ron came tumbling out, clawing violently at his forehead, where a very small, completely harmless House Spider clung for dear life, terrified out of its wits.

Nita grabbed him, holding him still as Kit gently picked the spider up and placed it on the dormitory windowsill, where it scuttled up into the shadowy recesses and vanished from sight.

Ron, breathing hard, promptly looked around for any sign of Hermione as Harry rolled out from under the bed, clutching his shoulder, his face chalky white.

"Aaaaah, _wow_ she can pull hard," he gasped. "Feels like she dislocated my shoulder… ahhh, hurts like the dickens…"

Dairine seemed to have found a new object of her affection, as she instantly snapped out of her reverie and slid down beside Harry.

She laid a hand on his shoulder, and he winced as she squeezed it gently.

"Nah, not dislocated. It'll be sore for a few days… but here."

She began gently massaging his sore shoulder, prompting a roll of Nita's eyes.

She cleared her throat.

"_Anyways_," she said loudly, receiving a dirty look from Dairine. "…what are we going to do _now_?"

Harry looked up.

"New York," he said flatly. "I want to go to New York."

Ron was in full agreement with his friend.

Nita looked from Kit, to Dairine, and back again.

"What about Legolas?"

"Yeah, what about him?" Kit inquired bluntly.

Which earned him scowls from Nita and Dairine.

Nita opened her mouth to say something extremely cutting, when the doors burst open again.

A small redhead burst in, all smiles as she plopped down beside Harry.

"Hey, Harry," she purred, touching his hand, evoking a jealous look from Dairine. "Gonna introduce me?"

Harry grinned at her, then motioned to each of the Manhattan wizards in turn.

"Ginny, this is Nita, Kit, and Dairine."

Ginny smiled at them and shook hands.

"Ginny Weasley, Ron's younger sister. Pleased to meet you all," she said politely, her gaze lingering on Kit before travelling on to Dairine.

__

She's hot, Kit sent to Nita. She rolled her eyes at him.

__

She's younger than you.

So? Doesn't stop her from being hot.

Nita sighed, then watched as Ginny struck up a conversation with Dairine.

Nothing to do with them if it concerned Dairine.

It was then that Harry asked the dreaded question.

"Hey, Ginny, wanna see New York?"

"In _America_? Sure."

Kit merely ground his teeth together.

How, _how_ had he gotten himself into this?


	5. Preparations

__

Chapter Five

Preparations.

Legolas, blinded by camera flashes, overcome by the noxious perfumes of hoarding foaming-at-the-mouth fangirls, and aching all over, nearly passed out as Madam Pomfrey attempted to bulldoze her way through to her patient's bedside, tut-tutting all the while.

"CREEVEY," the nurse screamed above the noise. "GET ME SOME DUCT TAPE. AND A MOP, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT."

Legolas slumped back in his bed, cowering away from the flashbulbs of cameras, the squeals of the frenzied mob, and the flying drool that threatened to drown him every now and then.

Then, as if by magic, they all vanished.

And he was left clutching his head and wiping saliva off his face, wondering why this all had to happen to him.

Six or seven shadowy figures appeared in his range of view, chatting animatedly, and apparently heading directly for the stricken elf's bed.

So, naturally, he screamed bloody murder.

-----

Hermione, Ron, Harry, Kit, Nita, Ginny, Dairine, and everyone else in the general vicinity stared at the elf, who was huddling beneath the bedsheets and mumbling something under his breath.

Ron and Ginny exchanged a meaningful glance, as if seriously doubting the elf's sanity. As did, of course, everyone else in the general vicinity.

Kit blinked.

"Maybe… we should just… leave him here?" he suggested, hopefully inching a bit closer to Nita.

All four females present turned on him, affixing him with baleful looks.

Madam Pomfrey, on the other hand, looked faintly hopeful.

Kit gave the teens a nervous smile and backed away slowly, not wanting to disturb them any further.

Harry, Ron, and Kit, horrified, watched as the four girls cooed and showered Legolas with affection and attention.

Ron looked faintly green. "I think I'm gonna be _sick_…" he moaned queasily, and ran from the bedside.

The bathroom door slammed down the hallway, and Harry glanced at Kit, who was staring at Legolas with a barely concealed mixture of jealousy, nausea, and horrified interest.

"Makes us feel a bit left out, mate," Harry commented, trying to lighten the mood.

Kit merely transferred his gaze to him, then back to Legolas.

Harry sighed, shook his head, and went to go see about Ron.

------

****

A/N: Sorry if this was really short, I promise the next chapter will be longer. This was mainly a filler chapter, so… yeah, the next one will be more interesting.

New Character from the following books will be introduced:

Series of Unfortunate Events, by Lemony Snicket

Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer.

And that's about it for now…

Reviews will be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much!

-viper676


	6. In Awe

In Awe 

Kit situated himself on a nearby park bench and buried his face in his hands, vowing to himself never, _ever_, to mess with transport spells again as Ginny and Ron fastidiously examined Nita's manual, Nita being preoccupied in wrestling Hermione for possession of Legolas's arm.

"Hey, what does this do…?" Ron inquired, curiously poking at a page of the manual.

Kit didn't even look up at the reverberating explosion that followed.

"I told you not to touch it," he muttered as Ron staggered up to him and collapsed, his chalky white face covered in soot and fossilized llama manure.

Hermione somehow managed to pin Nita down and reassure the whimpering elf at the same time.

"There, there, darling Leggypoo… everything's going to be all right," Hermione cooed, eliciting another nauseous expression on Harry's face.

With all the concentrated mass chaos taking place, Kit was surprised the NYPD hadn't clapped them all up in cuffs and dragged them to the nearest psycho ward.

"Uhhhhh," he moaned, tearing at his hair in frustration and accidentally removing a quarter-inch's worth from his right temple. "How did I get myself _into_ this mess…?"

There suddenly came the squeal of tires somewhere off in the distance, and all activity instantaneously ceased.

Blessed silence fell.

Unfortunately, Kit's relief only lasted for the space of ten seconds, after which, satisfied the cops weren't closing in on them, Nita went back to antagonizing Hermione while Legolas inconspicuously dragged himself towards the nearest tree. As inconspicuously inconspicuous as an elf can inconspicuously be while trying to inconspicuously escape the Wrath of the Female Hormones.

Dairine had been sitting quietly through all of this, it was only after Kit took his face out of his hands that he realized she was staring at Ron, her face a vivid red.

Her embarrassment became apparent when Kit looked down at Ron's limp form, and realized that Ron was drooling onto Dairine's jeans, upon which aspit pond had already formed.

Dairine looked up at him, her gray eyes pleading with Kit to please, stop bemoaning your own stupid life and _get him off of me_.

Kit obliged hastily, having no desire to have an angry Dairine to deal with.

He had just settled back down on his bench for another round of sulking when a large black car appeared out of nowhere and almost smashed Legolas flat as it careened through the campsite, narrowly avoiding all of the assembled people, stopping just short of a large tree.

Dairine squinted at the car. It was a newer Aston Martin, but its trunk lid and rear window were perforated with clean, still-smoking holes Dairine seriously doubted were meant to be there.

The driver-side door popped open.

All eyes turned to the large, hulking figure that emerged, dusted the dirt off of his Armani suit, and pulled out another, smaller, figure.

The smaller of the two, a pale, raven-haired boy of about Dairine's age, stared around at his surroundings with keen eyes, taking in everything he saw, though not without badly concealed amazement.

Dairine immediately blushed and tried to make herself as small as possible, without really knowing why she was doing this.

The boy cautiously approached Kit, who was pale, and looked ready to pass out.

"Hello… my name is Artemis Fowl," the boy intoned in a quiet, strong voice. "Could you possibly be as kind as to inform me of where I am?"

Kit gaped.

And gaped.

…and gaped…

Artemis scowled. "Unless you're interested in catching and eating insects, I would _shut _my mouth."

He turned, scanning the crowd, until his eyes fell on Dairine, who was huddled up against a nearby tree.

"Miss," Artemis smiled, offering her his hand. "Would you like a hand up?"

Dairine turned bright red.

"Uh… erm…" she started, suddenly painfully conscious of her position on the ground.

Artemis grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet.

"There, miss…"

Dairine complicated her immediate problem by tripping and falling into Artemis's arms, causing him to overbalance and fall backwards.

As it was, this probably saved both of their lives, as a postal truck suddenly roared over their heads, spewing dirt and gravel, and slid directly into the rear of the Aston Martin, totaling it.

"My _car!_" Butler screamed.

"My _back!_" Artemis wheezed from underneath Dairine.

"My _sanity!_" Kit moaned from his position on the bench.

The side door of the truck slid, and a tall, tall figure with shiny, shiny eyes stepped out.

"Oh, goodness me," he purred in an apologetic voice that didn't fool anybody. "I am _so_ sorry about your car… now, if you will kindly provide me with transportation out of here?"

Artemis, pushing Dairine off of him, scowled. "Well, now, sir. Seeing as you have recently destroyed my vehicle, does it look like we have transportation?" he snapped.

The tall, tall man, whom we shall now call Count Olaf, responded by whipping out a switchblade and advancing on Artemis.

Kit chose an even bigger path of hair to pull out.

"Yes, it does. It appears to me in the form of a certain impudent youngster who will _pull_ this truck through this damn forest to the- gaaagghagaaaagggg…"

Olaf didn't get a chance to finish, because Butler had lost his temper and zapped him with a stun gun.

"First you destroy my car, then you ask a stupid question, and _THEN YOU THREATEN MASTER ARTEMIS?_"

Kit pulled out another patch of hair and stuffed it in his mouth.

Ginny looked up from _Advanced C-S Class Weld Matrixes_ and frowned.

"That mail truck seems to be screaming," she informed Kit.

"Mmmragglefatschkrr."

"I think I will."

Ginny stood up, yawned, and walked over to the immobilized truck, and with some difficulty slid the back panel up.

"Hey, there are kids in here!"

Kit giggled, rocking back and forth and mumbling something about a large white whale that looked like James Bond.

Ginny clambered into the rear of the truck, fumbled around for a moment, and stepped back.

Three very bewildered-looking children, two girls and one boy, stumbled out of the back and looked around.

"Who are you?" the eldest girl inquired. "And what have you done with Count Olaf?"

Artemis shrugged from a distance away. "You mean that idiot who tried to threaten me? He's over there somewhere."

He made a sweeping gesture with one hand and turned his attentions back to watching Kit's breakdown.

The boy laughed. "Thank you for saving us. My name is Klaus Baudelaire, and these are my sisters, Violet and Sunny."

Ginny shook all three hands in turn. "So who is this Count Olaf guy?"

Violet replied. "He's this villian who tries to kill us, kidnap us, and other things so that he can get his hands on our fortune."

Artemis looked around hungrily. "Did somebody say 'fortune'?"

Butler, apparently sick of Kit's analogies of a clock to the white snow of the Serengeti, zapped him with the tazer too.

Blessed silence fell again as Legolas dragged himself up the tree and collapsed onto a thick branch.

------------------

**A/N: Yeah. It was late. And I was tired. Hahahaha.**

**Hmm. I'm surprised at how few reviews the second chapter of Walls has gotten. 2. Thanks to Shima and Tempis and mamoru21! **

**Will update as times allow. Starting high school... bleh.**

**Thanks for your time people!**

-**vyper**


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